My dear sweet retired neighbor John got a 22-pound frozen turkey for free last year, and he gave it to me. I parked it in my deep freezer, because my talented cousin Stephanie always brings a succulent bird to our family Thanksgiving gathering. (What do I bring? That’s another story.) I figured I’d do something with that turkey eventually.
Last week I needed to find more real estate in my deep freezer and since I never did anything with that old turkey, I decided it was time to send him to the dumpster. Wait a second — the expiration date label said it’s still good! Hmmm.
I looked up Alton Brown’s technique for smoking a turkey and made up my mind to give it a go. It’s way too much meat for just me and my kiddo, but hey, surely I could get a couple of decent sandwiches out of this guy instead of just trashing him entirely, right? Um, yeah, right.
I thawed him carefully. I brined him for 16 hours. I meticulously followed cross-contamination protocols that would make the entire Culinary Institute of America stand up and salute me with oven mitts.
Thing is, I’m in a tiny condo with a tiny patio and a tiny Weber gas grill. Undaunted, I was certain I could use Alton’s technique to create a juicy, smoky, flavorful turkey. And I was feeling cocky enough to think I could use my iPhone to document my cooking prowess and tweet it to the world.
That photo was taken at 5:04 pm. A few minutes later, I noticed that there was a lot more smoke escaping from the grill than I expected. So I lifted the lid.
Ha! The turkey fat is causing some flame-ups. Isn’t that cute? Let me just snap that with my iPhone and tweet it before I get my squirt gun to douse those little flames.
Within moments, those little flames grew. And grew. My jurassic water-delivery device couldn’t keep up. I feared a neighbor would alert the fire department because of the billowing smoke from my balcony. And (seriously!) I wondered what my Twitter pal @jdanton would be telling me to do at this moment.
To hell with iPhone pics! I rushed to my sink and filled a pitcher with water, then threw it on the whole inferno.
And by 5:34pm, here is what I had accomplished:
Needless to say, the next step was to let this bird rest. In the dumpster.








